A super personal post.
Blog writing is straight up petrifying. There… I said it.
To put your heart, your reputation, your “knowledge”, your thoughts, ideas, personal life and anything else you can think of out there for the entire world to see is down right scary.
What if no one cares? What if no one reads it? What if they do and totally judge me? Or challenge me?
WHY am I writing anyway? Apart from highlighting client sessions – why not leave it at that?
The answer for me is: for some reason I could be in the shower or driving in my car and this instant download scrolls through my head, in sentence and paragraph form, from start to finish, on random subjects. And when that “download” is finished there is this overwhelming urge inside me to find the closest keyboard/phone/notepad/napkin to quick write it all down. If I don’t, I feel plagued with heaviness. When I do, I feel a lighthearted release. That’s about all there is to it.
I ignored it for a while. Surely this happens to everyone, right? Until one day I mentioned this to Steve and this perplexed look on his face told me, UM…NO…’normal’ people don’t do that. They just drive or sing a song or something. lol Then he told me to stop fighting that thing that scares me and to just write and see what happens.
Shortly after that Pursuit 31, an organization now very near and dear to my heart started a blog and I was randomly asked to be one of the writers. Oh the irony.
My very first post was to be on Valentine’s Day of last year. After struggling to get the courage up to go below the surface of fanciful writing to what was deep down in my heart, I wrote this post below. It took everything I had in me to go this personal, so publically. And for what? I didn’t exactly know. Maybe someone somewhere (besides my husband) needed to read what was in my heart.
Last year I was stretched and molded and forced to face a LOT of my fears whether I was ready or not. It’s never much fun in the “during” part, but once on the other side it seems to make so much more sense. And a lot of it does now, but there are plenty of things still in the “during”.
A year later, blog writing is still down right petrifying. I still feel the fears each time I hit publish – and maybe that part isn’t ever meant to go away. And when I try to force myself to fill “content” for SEO purposes those fears increase dramatically. But when I get those instant “downloads” from start to finish, in sentence and paragraph form, I know that if I ignore THOSE, then there will be a bigger fear that I’ll need to face. It’s that thing that happens when you ignore what you are suppose to be doing and try to make excuses about why you are not doing THAT.
Maybe today’s post encourages someone to face their fear….or maybe it will encourage someone to go deeper in their marriage. Or maybe no one will even read this. I don’t get to decide what happens when I hit publish, and that’s ok. Today is one of those vulnerable ones so maybe I’ll pretend that no one saw this and there is nothing to be nervous about. <—yes, I think I’ll go with that one. 😉
And to my darling hubby, Happy Valentine’s Day, my love. Another year has gone by, but the words written then would be written again today. With my whole heart, I will love you always.
XOXO,
Angie
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rachelle - for the record…i love reading every word you say. xo